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Maria Van Buren, a court artist since the late 1980s has been fired from her post following a string of smudgy, indistinct paintings which ‘fail to accurately capture the atmosphere and events at Lincoln Crown Court’.

In a passionate outburst Ms Van Buren, 57, has defended her right to explore new creative avenues. ‘Nobody said anything when I started putting little Munch scream-heads into the jury box, or even the year when I decided to blur the accuseds’ faces in my fauvist-pointillist style.’

Johnathan Wilder, a spokesman for Her Majesty’s Court Service said: ‘It is with great regret that we have had to lose the services of Maria Van Buren, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that her shouts of ‘hold it! don’t move’ were interrupting the business of the court. We have concluded that, however delightful her work may be on its own merit, it fails to live up to the exacting standards required by the Crown Court. Plus it looks like a five-year-old has done it.’

The Ministry of Justice has issued a statement saying it is considering installing automatic daguerrotypes in courtrooms, prompting outrage from the community of courtroom artists who see this new technology as a threat to their way of life.

It is the second time that Van Buren has been sacked. She previously did the artist’s impression of wanted criminals for the Metropolitan Police, with the result that officers were often searching for a man in a bowler hat with an apple for a head. ‘Then she went through a Picasso phase, and all the suspects had three eyes and their heads were completely distorted,’ said a police spokesman. ‘If that wasn’t bad enough, she expected a couple of million for each of her works. I mean, the paintings were a load of rubbish and then she charges an arm and a leg. Or it might have been two legs and an eye, it was very hard to tell.’

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The Predator, a member of an aggressive alien warrior race, will today meet with David Cameron in an attempt to overturn the ban on hunting human beings for sport.

The previous government ruled that although The Predator does tend to single out muscle-bound lunks and snivelling gun-touting nutjobs, the use of active camouflage, plasma weapons and retractable wrist blades, still makes the hunt unnecessarily cruel.

Pro-Predator enthusiasts say that the pursuit is necessary to control the numbers of testosterone-fuelled, steroid-pumped knuckleheads running around the woods with guns. The Predator claims the ban infringes its human rights and is a bitter blow to the rural economy.
Otis Ferry, son of Roxy Music singer Brian Ferry, is one of those opposing the ban. He argues, ‘Look, at least it’s quick and other than being skinned alive and having their spinal column torn from their body it’s not that barbaric. We’ve had alien hunters visiting our planet for over 2,000 years now and it would be a shame if that part of our heritage were sacrificed to political correctness.’

Anti-Predator protestor Daniel Clover disagrees, ‘The police, the National Trust and the Forestry Commission have struggled to enforce the ban. There seems to be a general reluctance to take on a huge unstoppable alien killing machine. Yet, in a recent survey 77% of people said that they would prefer not to be hunted and slaughtered, with their skull claimed as a prize that ends up mounted on a spaceship wall. Only 5% of those surveyed remain undecided.’
Prior to the election, Mr Cameron indicated that his party would be in favour of overturning the ban. His comments were quickly seized upon by opposition MPs.

‘This is another example of David Cameron championing the privileged,’ says Labour MP Austin Morris. ‘I can’t say I know a lot about The Predator, but I can’t imagine there are many working-class alien families able to send their kids away on a posh camping trip, laden with all the latest thermal-imaging gizmos.’

Ferry agrees that class has become a factor in the debate, ‘With it’s glowing green blood and vagina-shaped face, The Predator represents everything that is good about the aristocracy.’